Size matters!

But obviously that’s a very lame argument so let’s work it out a bit.

Everybody knows that when it comes to impregnating homo sapienatic females any and all but the weirdest of male homo sapienatic instruments will do. It can be wide, it can be small, it can be whatever. As long as it’s longer than 5 inches you’re good and obviously since you’re here and we have this thing called evolution and inherited traits, chances are your phallic instrument is longer than 5 inches mister.

And 5 inches is quite alright, I wouldn’t want a 5 inch knife in my back …

But homo sapiens are smart cookies and they needed something more out of sex. This thing called an endorphinal high, we like drugs maaan, because after all, if sex would hurt nobody would do it and then we’d all be fucked. Not to mention that’s no fun at all.

So most of the time when a homo sapiens female and a homo sapiens male get together it isn’t to make little hobbits, it’s to make fun and create natural occuring brain drugs. Woo.

This however introduces a problem, the lukewarm hole most females sport is very stretchy and the more fun it’s having the more it stretches. The damn thing does not in the least care about what you’re putting inside, it just wants more and more and more and it gets bigger and bigger. Then the lady stops getting pleasure because she can’t feel anything.

Hell, there’s very little friction left!

What do? Well obviously you put a bigger instrument into the hands of the master male homo sapiens so that he could pleasure the female better. Problem solved!

By the by, many animal species have tricks to make the female more … uhm … willing. Like cats have spikes on their instruments and ducks have a spiral penis! Wow, amazing, shocker!

Ok so no bitching about “Size doesn’t matter, it’s how you use it” Sod off with those, size, in humans, is about 80% of the equation when it comes to pleasurable activities of the sort.

Therein lies the problem. The more the woman wants to have fun, the bigger instrument she needs. But how can you tell who’s got a big instrument when the damn bastards keep it neatly tucked away in their garment?

Confidence!

The more confidence a male sports the bigger their schlong! The mechanism for how big schlong == big confidence is probably self-evident so let’s leave it at this. The reason why bigger schlong equals bigger confidence is that lasses need a heuristic for finding bigger pleasure.

Part of the thread was devoted to romance and even though I proposed a purely hypothetical idea of what us male humans like to find romantic, strangely enough many others quite agreed to a point and even stranger, one of the girls seems to have run an experiment on her boyfriend and discovered that my hypothesis holds. Wewt for me!

So, if we give extrapolating an algorithm out of the whole ordeal a shot we get something like this … I should really draw a graph … hmm let’s see if I have a tool for it. *consults twitter*

First we should clear some disillusions about what meditation is. There are many definitions out there and all of them differ in some little point or another. Some say all basic relaxation is meditation, in the olden days meditating meant thinking, some new age hippies call alternate states of consciousnes to be meditative states, reaching the astral plane and so forth. What I’ve learned in my studies of the phenomena a few years ago is that meditation is basically pushing oneself into a REM cycle then snapping out of it. REM is perceived by the brain as reality (astral plane), it is the time when we are most relaxed and it’s also very good for thinking as it supposedly very effectively goes through whatever is troubling us … the natural kind anyhow.

So let’s equate meditation to a REM state. But because we want to be more effective with it and most of all, because we don’t want to fall asleep it’s important for the REM to be lucid so we can stop any time we want. To reach a REM state you have to first build up an image in your mind, then make it true. Here are a few simple steps on achieving this:

1. Assume a comfortable sitting position (laying down doesn’t work, I’ve tried) and close your eyes. Having some music on helps me shut off outside disturbances, but for some people complete silence might work better.
2. Imagine a soothing scene. What works best for me is imagining I’m sitting behind a large tree and looking out on a grassy plane, sometimes nibbling on a piece of straw. It’s usually very helpful to adjust the scene according to the current season. What’s most important here is imagining a scene that is simple and stress-free because there is less detail for you to imagine.
3. Visualise the scene. Now it’s time for the real trickery, you must start convincing yourself that the scene is real not just imagined. The brain does NOT differ from what is imagined and what is real, what ticks it off are small clues and you have to consciously remove them from the image. Here are some steps on how to do this:
   • Look at the scene from a first person view. It is paramount that whatever you’re visualising is done from first person as if it were reality. Don’t imagine how you look in the environment, imagine what it would look like if you were really there
   • Focus on details. “Look” at the grass and visualise how it would move in the wind, look at your foot on the ground and count the number of grass leaves surrounding it. The more detail you can concentrate on the better you will visualise everything.
   • Stop thinking of any distracting thoughts. If a thought should pop up in your head don’t follow it, just focus on a detail in your scene and the intruder will leave.
4. Immerse yourself in the scene. This is where it gets tricky and what really needs a lot of practice to achieve. Don’t just visualise the scene, try to use all your senses. Hear the breeze, feel the grass under your butt, feel how your shoes are a little tight, smell how nice the flowers are, taste whatever is in your mouth, feel your limbs and how they’re positioned … This can most easily be achieved by focusing on specific details as I’ve described for visualisation.
5. Make it alive. You might have noticed by now that you’ve lost most contact with reality and are almost unaware of being anywhere else but in the scene you’ve built up. If you’re lucky you might even achieve feeling both where you really are and where you’re convincing yourself you are (new age hippies and similar call this an out of body experience, but it’s not). Now it’s time to get up and start doing something in your new world. Make events happen, fly, do whatever. You’re god in that little world and if you did it right it should feel completely real.
6. Wake up. Since your REM is lucid all you need to do to jump back into reality is open your eyes. It’s that simple.

With practice it’s possible to go through all these steps, even skip a few, in a matter of minutes. But at first it will probably take about half an hour of conscious effort to achieve a lucid REM stage, however it’s worth the effort because an added bonus is that even your natural REM cycle will become more and more lucid and you will start fully remembering dreams.

See when something becomes riddled with quick dirty hacks it may work, at the moment and it might even work in the next moment, but as soon as you start to make adjustments to change, try scaling the darn thing, or making any kind of modification it all just starts breaking apart. To an average human being this is most easily explained via real life dirty hacks we like to use every day.

For example, you come home and find that you need to put something down but have no proper place to put it. So you look at the nearest semi-available flat surface – usually a chair of some sort. You put the thing there. Then you neatly forget about having to put it away and just leave it there; hey, it works, don’t change it right? Then somebody comes over and you need the chair. Your solution must scale.

So you put the thing that was occupying on the chair somewhere else, also usually an impromptu solution. Over time, with these kind of incrementally quick solutions you achieve something horrible. There is a flat surface somewhere in your home, or even just a floor corner, where a large pile of crap has built up over the week/month/year that is so high in fact you don’t even know what’s in it anymore … and now you suddenly absolutely need that surface for something!

Regardless of all this, I used a dirty hack last night when I wanted to read on my bed and still have tea available nice and easy. So I wedged it between the wall and the bed. By some strange coincidence I spilt not a drop.