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I'm tired – a poem

I wrote this poem at a restaurant on Sunday, sipping on hot chai and a cup of chicken soup, waiting for a glorious steak salad to arrive. It was dark – nobody saw that I shed a tear or two. I think. If they did, they didn't say anything.

The laptop screen lit my face up like a search light. 🤔

It's a modern free verse poem. The kind I used to hate in high school because it's easy to make. You just write and don't give a shit about form or structure. Then you call it a poem.

I wasn't going to publish it for fear of what people might say. But fuck it, that's no way to live a life. What would Amanda Palmer say.

I'm tired – a poem

I'm tired of my job

I'm tired of my business

I'm tired of proving myself to US immigration

I'm tired of proving myself to my boss

I'm tired of my shitty apartment

and my home office where I can touch both walls

I'm tired of my coworkers

making noise eating at their desk

I'm tired of the same lunch time conversations

in the same lunch time spots

at the same lunch time hours

I'm tired of my routine

I'm tired of my workouts

I'm tired of trying to be my best

I always just move my goals

I'm tired of this city

with its shitty streets

and asphalt cracked so much it makes me fall

I'm tired of knowing what I'll do on Friday when Monday isn't even started

I'm tired of working on the same shit

I'm tired of making content

I'm tired of making my name

I'm tired of ambition

and I'm tired of knowing that, without ambition, I'd have nothing

I'm tired of my girlfriend

I'm tired of my bird

I'm tired of delaying gratification

gratification never comes

I'm tired of seeing happy people and wondering if I'll ever be happy, too

tired of knowing that I'd not feel happy even if I was

I'm tired of spending my vacations to visit family

I'm tired of paying for their flights

I'm tired of doing the thing I'm supposed to

when all I want is to do anything else

I'm tired of boring problems

I'm tired of other's shitty code

I'm tired of being me

and always picking up the pieces

I'm tired of having everyone's backs

when nobody has mine

I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning

with all this weight upon my back

I'm tired of not knowing how to share the load

because others would just fuck it up

I'm tired of being responsible

I'm tired of being there for everyone

I'm tired of the internet

I'm tired of feeling all alone

I'm tired of feeling like I can't relate

and like I can't write whatever I want

I'm tired of having an audience

I'm tired of being an expert

All I want is to do something completely new

Something I've never done before

And learning it all from scratch

With no experience and no responsibility

Just doing something fun for the sake of fun

Wouldn't that be nice?

I'm tired of feeling like I can't because I'd give up everything I always wanted

I'm tired of being stuck

in this place I fought so hard to get

Stuck in a dream of a life I always wanted

but actually not quite

I am where I want to

Doing what I love

And I'm tired

Tired of the crap I've piled on

Tired of responsibility

Tired of other people's feelings

Tired of being afraid to share this poem

Tired of everything being meh

And life a little bleh

Just, tired

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Published on August 7th, 2018 in Personal, Writing

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